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My 4th birthday has just gone by, and I was with my parents, grandmother and older sister, who celebrated her birthday a month before mine. My grandma, who was the mother of my father, asked my parents to bring us to a store because she said that will buy a doll as a present for my sister. I was hoping that she would buy me, too. I was very excited to enter into the department store. I looked around and I saw wonderful toys that were being sold. My heart leapt with awe. My grandma was holding my older sister, who is her first grandchild. She was asking my sister what she wanted.

After 30minutes of looking around, my sister arrived, holding a big bag and I knew that inside it was a doll. I was silent, but I was hoping that my grandma would give me something. I was waiting, but she didn’t give me any, not even a small toy.

I was so hurt. I cried but I did not want any of them know what I was feeling that time. I was just silent. I was asking myself why my grandma didn’t give me a gift even though my birthday was just 3 days ago. And she gave my sister a doll and her birthday was already a month ago!

I knew then that maybe my grandma didn’t like me. When we went inside the car, my sister sat in front with her, while I sat at the backseat.

There was also this once instance when I was in our hardware store in Binondo. My grandma handed a check to my mother. It was for my sister. I went inside the storage room and I silently cried. My mom was looking for me and she found me with my eyes red. She asked me why I was crying. I pointed to her the check she was holding. When my grandma learned that I was crying, she immediately got her checkbook and wrote something on the paper. She told me that I have a check also. I looked at the paper which she was handing to me. It looked different from the one she gave for my sister. I knew inside of me that it was just a worthless paper. But I stopped crying so that my mom would worry no more.

These things happened when I was only about 4 or 5 years old. Imagine, at that age, I know already what a bank check looks like!

I have forgotten all about these incidents but I remembered it when I had my psychotherapy.

I am not angry at my grandma. She is now in California. It is okay for me if she does not like me. I still respect her because she is the mother of my father. And that is just it.

When I get hurt or if I have some things inside my head, I just kept it to myself and not wanting others to know what my true feelings were. But, all these changed because of Dr. Abas. I learned that keeping things inside is not very healthy.

Okay, I admit it. Sometimes, I still do keep my feelings inside up to now… Good thing there is blogging, where I could pour out all of myself…